ccccourage

these past few weeks have been hard for me because was judged, (not for the first time) but perhaps the most blatantly, by my appearance. to be comforted i was reassured again and again by the important people that i am more than such visual consequences. that i am independent and strong, empathetic and loving. i am a person worthy of much more than cursory judgements. then i whimpered to a counselor of the familial kind who has always had a comforting ear and heart and was slapped down into a spiral of shame and depression to hear her words of judgement on my appearance as well. we have since mended bridges as she swallowed her former words and admitted that my arms make a sadness rise in her because to her, they represent a pain that went unrecognized for so long.
needless to say, i have been through a whirlwind of emotions, brutal, shameful, full of rage and sadness and finally empowered in these few days. and all for something i rarely think about. i'm usually more concerned with the permanent ink on my wrist proclaim my belief in myself than the wreck of rough skin tissue that precludes it. so i have made a decision. these marks across my body and heart are signs of courage and survival, not pain and sickness. so here is the story of a few of my scars.
the red keloid that screams the loudest is from a kiss with a hot iron that happened on a day i was afraid to cut. on a day i needed to express my pain but was so low i didn't trust my hand to be steady with the razor, i let the hot steam scorch my skin until it didn't hurt anymore. as heinous as it is, it's a giant reminder of a day i chose not to die.
as for the assorted slashes up and down my tender forearms, what can i say? they were my bright red screams. a proclamation of despair i couldn't put into words. i was finally stitched and stapled together until the horror lessened in my head. each mark is a pill not taken, a rope not hung, a call for help made and answered.
and now i bear these scars forever with my tattoo reminding me to believe that i am more than them but at the same time knowing i would not be me, or here, without them.