pontific ponderings

i have often thought
of that kernel,
(you know what i mean)
that bit of God's love
that preacher
pastor
priest
tells us is the essence
of our soul.
it is what the "us"
or the "we"
is shaped around.
-the beginning of our being
before we began.
so sometimes i wonder about this
uncontaminated little sprout,
this piece of God inside me...
i can resent it one minute
and rejoice in it the next,
but i think i am forgiven these petty thoughts,
because God knows my brain and the kernel
glows brightly still.

personality grocery list

i can:
-spell world backwards
-give the best belly rubs in town, nay the county
-listen without judging
-judge without listening
-be joyous and giggly
-be sad and morose
-keep to myself
-shout out to the world (dlrow)
-read
-write
-sing
-pray
-wish
-believe
-imagine
-betray
-ignore
-respect
-be the most empathetic person in the room
-be the most oblivious person in the room (what?)
-be pretty
-be ugly
-be clear
-be confused
-treasure my intelligence
-pray for the cloud of ignorance
-be a loving sister
-be the family albatross
-be an honest and loving friend
-be selfish enough to crumble friendships
-be flexible
-be rigid
-be loved
-be resented
-want more than anything to have the idealized "normal" life
-honor my individuality and wear my unique eccentricities like the brightly colored bits of armored personhood they are.

i will:
-open myself up to healing
-take care of and honor my physical body
-work towards emotional stability
-work on eliminating compulsive and obsessive thoughts
-be strong and personable
-help without being manipulated

the reason why

why do i write?
a slight gesture;
a smile,
a sigh,
a grunt,
a grumble
all of these things
take on their own lives
when they leave the body
of the utterer.
A stammer magnified tenfold
can disappear grace,
leaving a muddy heap behind- no longer the item of profundity
it began as.
such configurations are confounding;
some malignant,
some benign,
all different from their intention.
this is a unique horror-misinterpretation,
when one, such as i,
am often caught up in
the simple wonderment of
communicating.
So that is why i write.
my thoughts and feelings
are suddenly concrete and real,
no longer hidden or
subdued in some
silly place behind
my tongue and teeth
where propriety and
sublimation reign.
Here, on the blank page,
I can be as raw or as delicate as i like
without fear of misunderstanding,
(or understanding for that matter)
-as this can be a complete conversation with myself.
i can invent, implode, rejoice, reject, fume, have fun, cry to, and cry about-
i am the hero
and the villain,
the princess
and the dragon,
i am the creator
and the relator.
as i write and heal i have a voice that will not be silenced.

Harmonizing Clutter

when music trickles
from your fingers
as easy as words
from your lips-
oh, i would like
to learn that trick!
but the angels
impetus of muse
do not sing in my ear,
they only talk in a
blathering drone.
-incessant really-
if i listened all of the time
i would go insane,
but i have a filter that
allows me to grab only the important words
(at least that's what i tell myself)
and that's the poetry
that stains my page.
i wonder if God works
the same way,
adjusting His filter
to only answer
important prayers
(at least that's what He tells Himself)
and maybe that's why
we offer Him hymns.
-songs in the darkness
to break up the drone.

VIP List

Dear friend Jenn
who has settled
her rebellious mind
into the role of
mother so lately,
has really been
nurturing me for years:
her kindness
compassion,
loyalty
never ceases and
feeds into my own
goodness,
banishing the darkest moments,
to bring me home.
Dearest brother Shawn
who keeps his own counsel,
keeps his own morality
keeps his own idealism
You are my anchor and
often my chiding reminder
that saves me from the
riptides of selfish obsession.
you present to me reality
and in returning me to that
confusing place,
you cushion its pitiless
glare with love and
sweet understanding.
Dearest Mother and Father,
i cannot consider
one without the other
with the yin-yang
effect you have left
on my person hood
each mark of my character
has been imprinted by you
as :my shining friends
my fierce protectors
my loving reprimanders
my closest critics
my dearest loves
and so Friend, Brother, Parents,
most vital to me
my strange and beautiful loves,
you change how i see the world
and how the world sees me
without you i would
be lost,
a missing piece,
less than myself.
thank you for keeping me whole.

My Apologies

i apologize for all the pain i cause
for the trouble in your heart
the racings of my mind
leave behind.
their rumble rumbles
sometimes overflow into
the real world you know.
and i do my best to stop it...
my inconvenient madness that i
try to suppress,
so bothersome to you.
your heartfelt tears as you
describe the distress of:
the impulse to cure
and to heal that is
for naught
as if my only impulses were to
run naked in the streets
declaring my broken illness
but i understand your
love and frustration,
because it is frustrating
to be me too.
and if i luxuriate in the parts
of my intellectual strangeness
that make you uncomfortable,
please accept my apologies.
because in my general dreariness
i tend to suck the marrow of
joy from wherever i can find it.
and if these words seem angry,
i'm sorry again,
but in hearing you speak
when all i could do but nod and agree,
(silence being the quickest way to end
an uncomfortable moment)
thoughts birthed and festered,
leaving behind this bitter verse
that i put on paper
instead of in my mouth.
so i express my extreme regrets
if you find these words
and they cause you upset;
just know it is my truth
as you have expressed your own.